This morning as I rushed to work, enduring the harsh cold of this particularly dramatic DC winter, I learned of the sobering news: the beast of the streets, the tamer of the wild, the car of those who dare to dream the American dream, the Hummer brand will no longer bring forth new manifestations of the beloved H2 and H3 onto the roads. We may call you an American icon, but I would be so bold to say we have lost an American hero… one not of flesh and blood, but of steel and of quickly burnt mass quantities of gasoline.
You were many things to many people and I think it is only right someone offers a few words on your behalf. While we were never directly introduced, I, your secret admirer, will take the initiative and offer this farewell. You represented a way to obtain all we wanted and desired as Americans through extravagant consumerism.
When men all over this nation asked, how I can exert my dominance over other men, the road and Mother Earth herself, you answered the call. Businessmen who wanted all to believe that while they may don the suit and tie and enjoy sushi with you on the weekdays, on the weekends they shot at animals, chopped wood and climbed mountains all from the comfort of your luxury cabin blasting Toby Keith ballads. No one could doubt their burliness, craftiness or their manhood with you by their side. Keys to unlock and unleash you were like a passport to the exclusive club of the gods!
For the past decade, young boys mocked on the playground for playing too much with the girls, enjoying home economics or failing to keep pace in PE could look to you and your promise. As long as they one day bought, leased or rented you, no one could accuse them of being a sissy or a weakling. You represented immediate strength and southern charm. Even in pockets of liberalism where elites mocked you, a man driving you drew quiet contempt and admiration. Whispers of the mysterious man bold enough to guzzle gas in this economy invoked the jealousy of lesser men and the affection of the ladies.
In the end, that promise was what made you synonymous to the American dream and ultimately cemented your place as among the great American heroes. In an age of supposed global warming and petro dictators, you proved Americans or at least the patriots among us, had the balls to give the finger to reality and charge full force toward our dreams. Saddam bombed America and you showed us the path to triumph over terrorism. The path was expensive and the refueling stops constant, but with you as our co-pilot we knew the ride would be filled with ignorant bliss.
On behalf of all Americans who will now never know the joy of instant artificial status through owning a brand new you, I say farewell secret friend. I hope the harsh words of mocking I often uttered as I parked my Toyota Echo next to you were understood as a mask covering my true feelings. May you have your rightful place in Heaven together with Ronald Reagan running over small helpless creatures.
God bless America and may we find the courage to ride forward in history without you. Rest in peace, Hummer, rest in peace.
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