Demons of my Sleep

Tonight I cannot sleep. Funny to say tonight, sleeplessness is a regular occurrence. Ever since I was young I would toss and turn sometimes for hours until sleep would come. I could never wrap my child like brain around why this would happen. I just knew that 8 hours of sleep was really 6 or 7 hours of sleep and that was that.

I am not so sure anymore.

I used to talk in my sleep. Once in Israel my mom told me that the night before I had my head turned in her direction as I was looking at her, told her that it was difficult for me to fall asleep and proceeded to act like I was playing with the dog. The whole time I was asleep and the dog was not in our room. I also did this all in perfect Hebrew.

While I have no idea if I still do this, it is on my mind tonight. There is no way of knowing, I sleep alone in my room and my entire apartment most nights. I guess it is on my mind because of something else from my childhood. I remember distinctly that on at least one occasion my family informed me that I was screaming in my sleep. I suppose nothing of the blood curdling variety because no one seemed to worry.

I always remembered that, but I also have never quite worried about it. Now that I am an overworked college student I am thinking about it because I am also thinking about another pesky sleep problem of mine. Regardless of the amount or variety of sleep I am able to get, I constantly feel like I am in a state of sleep deprivation. I do not want to attribute false meaning to an event, but I can not shake the feeling that this has been the case since I was 11, since the passing of my father.

So tonight I cannot sleep and my mind is wandering.

Yesterday I rented a few movies, a suggestion by my now ex-girlfriend. I selected what I believed were both comedies; I was in the mood to take a break from my busy week and my endeavors which on the whole are not of the humorous varieties. One of my selections was The World According to Garp since I have heard a few good things and I am a Robin Williams fan.

Currently I have made it through half the movie before attempting sleep. Shortly before I attempted to call it a night, there was a scene where they spoke of a rape of an eleven year old girl whose tongue was cut out so that she couldn’t speak of what happened to her. I was hoping for comedy, but I have never allowed myself to escape reality for too long and subconsciously I suppose my movie selection reflected my typical choice.

As an activist, as a feminist, as a human rights advocate and most importantly as a human being I do not think I need to explain why this story (although fictitious) saddened me greatly.

I have chosen this life of activism and advocacy and I typically see this choice as a blessing. It is not an easy life and I do not fool myself into think it will become easier or that victories will be plentiful. I do though cherish the fact that I consider myself to not only be enlightened on topics such as genocide, but that I do not tolerate apathy or complacency.

Tonight though, I feel like I am being consumed by demons (an odd description since I am not religious at all, but it feels appropriate). I have never been able to remember my dreams or nightmares, but tonight I feel certain I have been plagued by nightmares.

I have never seen or experienced genocide, rape or death up close. I was present in the house when my father died, but I have not seen death with my own eyes. Yet tonight, I cannot shake the thoughts of a rape of a fictional eleven year old girl regardless that the mention of such an episode was but a brief line in a half watched film. Often I cannot shake the thoughts of the concentration camps or killing fields even though I cannot even conjure up a concrete image of these places in my mind.

Tonight, as I write this, I am fighting the thoughts in my mind that make me want to scream out, “THIS IS NOT A BLESSING, THIS IS A CURSE!” But I know I do not feel this way.

I must ask of you, though, my demons:

Why do you visit me night after night when I chose to visit you day after day? I do not feel intimidated from visiting you. But I ask: do I not deserve peace if even for a few hours a night?